If we learn one thing from our time in
various states of social restriction, that many incorrectly keep referring to
as lockdown, it is that we will learn absolutely nothing. Now is a time when we
could as a population begin to sit back, relax and listen to each individual
birdsong by an open window, trying to distinguish between the call of a
goldfinch and a chaffinch.
Instead we will spend the 23 hours a day we
are painfully awake flitting between social media and 24hr news channels,
absorbing each and every speculative scrap of claptrap, to give us something
else to talk about between checking Facebook again and opening more gin.
For me, it is the “updates” on pub reopenings
and the conclusion of the football season. The latter involves me glancing at fictitious
articles written by increasingly desperate sports reporters, fed to me through
a WhatsApp group comprised mostly of Manchester United fans; Manchester United
fans who are happy with their own club's ineptitude and a vicious pandemic as
long as Liverpool don't win the league.
For pubs though it is even more speculative.
"We just don't know" but that hasn't stopped four thousand
hypothetical articles appearing, ranging from pubs being open in June to pubs
being shut until Christmas 2021. The last thing we need is a beer blogger
giving his conjecture on it all but after four paragraphs of introduction, that
is what you are going to get.
This is how I would reopen the pub as soon as is humanely possible. Or it
is at least how I would be thinking about my own if I owned one.
When do pubs reopen?
It cannot be stressed enough that pubs cannot
reopen until a relaxation of the current social distancing measures. People are
upsetting themselves in a fixative state of 2 METRE 2 METRE, sounding like
Bruce Forsyth in his Saturday night prime. Of course nothing can be suggested
under the 2 metre social distancing rule.
So anything offered here works under the
premise that such rules would have relaxed slightly. Frustratingly for pub
goers, they will still be shut or working under restrictions when we are long
back to commuting on crowded trains, to sit in busy offices or to shop in unrestricted
supermarkets once more, watching a packed House of Commons at work. We
will repetitively moan about that but it is something we will have to accept.
Maximum Occupancy
My first suggestion would be numbers of customers
allowed into an individual venue. This would be based on number of seats per
square metre, to eliminate some pubs shoving 600 chairs into a corner of the
room and claiming that allows them a certain number in. Some pubs may even have
to reduce current seating. Standing is not permitted.
How is that structured?
Pubs would simply have to have a MaÎtre D or
a concierge - a leader of the entertainment. They would advise whether there is
room in the pub and show you to your seat. They would also have the thankless
task of telling the inevitable cranks that the pub is full. “I’ve been coming
here for 37 years.” Not true. I didn’t see you once in April.
How do we order drinks?
Table service. Blissful, continental,
metropolitan table service. I know that the gentlemen who normally squeeze
through me at the bar to squint at every pump clip until their eyes bleed may
struggle with the concept but let this period of quarantine be a good time to
start wearing those glasses you've stubbornly refused to for the last 17 years.
Or go for a new eye test as your current prescription is woefully out. Who
doesn’t love going to Belgium for table service anyway?
How is that
structured?
The concierge also takes orders and delivers
beers, that are poured by a second member of staff. In a large majority of pubs
that will be enough staff outside of a kitchen (larger venues and specialist
cocktail bars may need to adjust.)
What about sitting at the bar?
Nothing pleases me more than seeing the
constant squawking from irregular pub goers about people sitting at the bar.
I'd rather open my imaginary venue solely for 4 people to sit at the bar than
live in the self entitled vision of others.
And how do we...
Bar stools. Four of them. Spread evenly. For
solo drinkers only. On entry they are given the choice of a stool at the bar or
a regular seat elsewhere. Their choice. God it will be blissful to sit at a bar
for once and not have Mr Magoo breathing over my shoulder, treating every pump
clip like a magic eye puzzle.
What about groups?
The issue with number restrictions is that
one group out for Bob the train driver's retirement do could turn up at opening
time and instantly fill the pub to capacity. The solo drinker arriving at 12.02
will find themselves turned away.
For this, temporary maximum group
restrictions of 4 or maybe 6 people. Yes we all wanted to go out for our
regular Friday night in a group of 7 but last month the pubs weren't open at
all so count your blessings.
How does that work?
In my pub, I'd space out groups on
consecutive entry. Therefore if you do get Bob and his self entitled hiking
group hoping to pull a "group of lads trying to get into a club in
Dublin" manoeuvre and arrive in separate numbers then they would be put in
different corners of the pub with no movement of furniture allowed. This is the
sort of restriction we mocked prior to COVID-19 but now would be
necessary. Bring back Britannia Inn Phil who barred half of Mossley for daring
to move a chair.
Couldn't we just fill the pub for the day?
This is the trickiest part. It may well be
that time restrictions, say up to 2hours, would have to be placed on people to
stop drinkers like myself selfishly occupying the same spot for 8 hours. I pick
two hours as that is the length of a football match. Would people be willing to
wait outside on a one-in-one-out basis? Well I never thought I'd wait with a
trolley outside a supermarket to be honest...
How do I pay?
I’ve fought the side of cold hard cash for
the last couple of years against the increasing number of contactless venues.
But for the time being it would have to be plastic over paper. Paying off a tab
at the end would also be preferable, though I found that to be preferable in
pubs back in January as well. We just have an aversion to it in this country
How is ANY of this policed?
Very, very simply. Suggestions like this are
usually met with a belief that police and doormen would have to be involved.
That isn't true. The trust would have to be in the patrons and the owners. But
make one simple law if this were to apply to all pubs - one surprise visit from
the bobbies at any chance and license is instantly revoked. That fear alone
will stop 99.9%+ even considering flouncing the rules. Those that would go
against it would be the same pubs that fooloishly continued to serve beer after
they had been forced to close.
But what if... what about... what if...
Aye, I sat in my shed for half an hour
thinking of a vaguely sensible way for pubs to reopen safely. I don't have all the
answers. What I have suggested here I think would work in the majority of pubs,
bars and taprooms that I frequent. There may be a specialist rum bar in
Saltburn-by-the-Sea which couldn't adapt to this that I simply haven't
considered. I hear you.
For some it wouldn’t be financially viable. For
some it would mean hiring extra staff that they can’t afford. For most it would
defeat the whole point of the pub. There would be a profound effect on the
gregarious nature of pubs that would be too much for some.
The hardest part about any restrictions
placed on pubs, similar to what has been suggested here, would come from
travel. You can't just pick a day to go on a crawl around a city centre of
choice as you may never get in a single pub on your list. That isn’t ideal but,
as mentioned, we couldn't go anywhere previously and thousands of people were dying.
Your generic Manchester pub crawl will have to wait. That ale trail will have
to be shelved - you should have picked something more exciting anyway.
It is easy to dismiss any restrictive
enforcement as taking the enjoyment away from pubs. The alternative is that no
pubs reopen until all restrictions are lifted and life returns to the exact
state it was prior to this pandemic. I’ll see you in 2022 then.
If you've wasted your time reading this then
at least I know I am as worthy as the bored Guardian writers with no commentary
left to say. I don't know when or how pubs will reopen, but you can guarantee
that when they do they'll be an ageing, bloated beer blogger at the bar quoting
this little ramble to members of staff over two metres away. "I'm just
saying, what I would have done
is..."
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