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Defeating the Lager Louts - they ruin it for everybody....

It’s a well-known fact that people who drink Real Ale are superior to those who don’t. (People who drink “craft” beer are in a different stratosphere altogether.) But all groups and members of society need an arch-nemesis, a rival, an enemy to counter their beliefs and fight for justice. Sonic has Robotnik. Professor Layton has Don Paolo. Krill have whales. And we Real Ale drinkers have lager louts; fiends who take it upon themselves to disturb and disrupt our noble way of life.

The lager disease has never been more apparent than on one Trans-pennine Real Ale Trail – yes, I am returning to this topic once more. I covered it last summer after a rather ridiculous amount of attention. I reviewed it again this May, after partaking in the fiendish event. And now I draw to it a final time to bring joyous tidings: the Enemy has been defeated.

There has been an on-going war for at least three years on the militant train line between Stalybridge and Batley. Here the honourable and gallant Real Ale Folk battle the ghastly and tyrannical Lager Louts. We, on the side of justice, have had many an afternoon ruined. Whilst we boarded the trains and entered the pubs to sit and discuss the beverage in front of us, they were in the background throwing chairs and singing profanities. Whilst we took our notebooks from our backpacks and carefully listed the day’s beers, they were throwing up on the pump-clips and eating the bar stools. Whilst we were preening our beards in the restroom mirrors and asking the bar staff for tasters from the bar, they were burning down houses and drinking from the toilets. Lager drinkers are a monstrous breed.

Yet rejoice residents of Marsden, Mossley and Great Britain! For a consortium of heroes has ended the woes of the many as we fight back against this oppression. For lager is no more (at least on a Saturday.) Yes, it was the answer to all the problems this local Real Ale Trail faced – mainly, what do we do to stop people enjoying this day out? And there was the conclusion, stereotype all drunks as lager louts who know nothing of decent beer and stop serving this drink in the pubs involved on the Trail.


Yes, I’ve seen it with my own eyes. I daren’t believe that we Real Ale drinkers could be so foolish/strong to openly point out that drinking cheap, mass-produced lager is the source of all anti-social behaviour. I didn’t believe it was even legal to do so. But I have visited Stalybridge buffet bar on a Saturday numerous times since to confirm that this is really happening. No lager. No cheap cider. No shots.

Looking back again at my own recent review of this day out, I would now have to ban all but one of the six strong party from that day of performing the trail again. They are simply not welcome on such a day out, despite seeming on the day to be respectable and well behaved individuals, I clearly didn’t see their loutish behaviour that MUST have been occurring when my back was turned. Lager thugs.

And if I was to really stereotype all lager drinkers as hooligans, I’d go a step further. Although things are changing, aside from those that I follow on Twitter, I only know one female real ale drinker personally. One. Just like disgusting, all-brawn-no-brain, working class men drink lager, all women obviously drink fruit cider. As we’ve banned a lot of the drinks the lady’s I do know would drink if they wanted to join us on this day out, we’ve wilfully excluded a lot of them from partaking. That’ll teach them for trying to join in.

I was invited to a meeting in Slaithwaite last year to discuss the Real Ale Trail “issue.” I refused the invitation on the basis that I couldn’t see a solution to it. How can you stop people getting on a train to a pub? When I first heard a few months ago that they were considering stopping serving lager on Saturdays, my initial response was “They can’t.” How wrong I was.

I suppose the argument will be that this is called the “Real Ale Trail,” for a reason and should be kept as so. I’ve certainly had issue with it in the past and failed to see why it has attracted such national attention. But this solution does nothing but make the real ale crew look like enormous snobs who truly think they are a different breed. Don’t people join in social events they have little involvement in, just for the social side? Haven’t I watched numerous sporting events for that reason? I’ve certainly been to Old Trafford and the Etihad enough times unnecessarily. I’ve seen U2 in concert. I saw Sex and the City 2 at the cinema for Christ’s sake! Should I have been banned because I was there for the day out?

You might be a lager drinker reading this. You might even be a lager drinker amongst a large group of people who solely drink real ale and who don’t understand your drink’s preference. You may be a lager drinker amongst a large group of people who solely drink real ale who were planning on doing the Trans-pennine Real Ale Trail soon. And now you can’t go. You probably didn’t know you were a lager lout, a ruffian, a stain on society. You probably seem like an alright person. But we know what you really are because we know better than you. Goodbye scum!


Tandleman said…
What you don't seem to do in this nonsensical piece is to acknowledge that the original purpose of the real ale trail has been subverted by bad and dangerous behaviour. I have attended meetings where this is discussed and the Police have some shocking tales to tell.

While you may conflate the steps that have been taken with snobbery, some may well take the view that it is an attempt to curb excessive behaviour that was not demonstrated before it became popular as a piss up destination for those whose self control leaves a lot to be desired.

In saying "But this solution does nothing but make the real ale crew look like enormous snobs" you seem to overlook that the publicans and Police have judged that it is those that partake of shots, cider and lager that, like it or not, cause the problems. It is scarcely snobbish or illiberal to use that knowledge to try and eliminate those whose behaviour is worsened by excessive consumption of these products. After all the pubs are losing potential profit, so it can hardly be an easy decision.

Bad behaviour through excess is in nobody who drinks beer's interest. That includes you.

It might have been useful if you'd acknowledged that rather than twist it round to make those who are attempting to sort out public order as the bad guys. Saying that those who drink real ale are doing so is wilfully stupid.
Cooking Lager said…
I drink real ale and fight and puke, so it's only a matter of time until it becomes a herbal tea trail.

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