It’s a well-known fact that
people who drink Real Ale are superior to those who don’t. (People who drink
“craft” beer are in a different stratosphere altogether.) But all groups and
members of society need an arch-nemesis, a rival, an enemy to counter their
beliefs and fight for justice. Sonic has Robotnik. Professor Layton has Don
Paolo. Krill have whales. And we Real Ale drinkers have lager louts; fiends who
take it upon themselves to disturb and disrupt our noble way of life.
The lager disease has never been
more apparent than on one Trans-pennine Real Ale Trail – yes, I am returning to
this topic once more. I covered it last summer after a rather ridiculous amount
of attention. I reviewed it again this May, after partaking in the fiendish
event. And now I draw to it a final time to bring joyous tidings: the Enemy has
been defeated.
There has been an on-going war
for at least three years on the militant train line between Stalybridge and Batley.
Here the honourable and gallant Real Ale Folk battle the ghastly and tyrannical
Lager Louts. We, on the side of justice, have had many an afternoon ruined. Whilst
we boarded the trains and entered the pubs to sit and discuss the beverage in
front of us, they were in the background throwing chairs and singing
profanities. Whilst we took our notebooks from our backpacks and carefully
listed the day’s beers, they were throwing up on the pump-clips and eating the
bar stools. Whilst we were preening our beards in the restroom mirrors and
asking the bar staff for tasters from the bar, they were burning down houses
and drinking from the toilets. Lager drinkers are a monstrous breed.
Yet rejoice residents of Marsden,
Mossley and Great Britain! For a consortium of heroes has ended the woes of the many as we fight back against this oppression. For lager is no more (at least
on a Saturday.) Yes, it was the answer to all the problems this local Real Ale
Trail faced – mainly, what do we do to stop people enjoying this day out? And
there was the conclusion, stereotype all drunks as lager louts who know nothing
of decent beer and stop serving this drink in the pubs involved on the Trail.
Hallelujah!
Yes, I’ve seen it with my own
eyes. I daren’t believe that we Real Ale drinkers could be so foolish/strong to
openly point out that drinking cheap, mass-produced lager is the source of all
anti-social behaviour. I didn’t believe it was even legal to do so. But I have
visited Stalybridge buffet bar on a Saturday numerous times since to confirm
that this is really happening. No lager. No cheap cider. No shots.
Looking back again at my own recent review of this day out, I would now have to ban all but one of the six
strong party from that day of performing the trail again. They are simply not
welcome on such a day out, despite seeming on the day to be respectable and
well behaved individuals, I clearly didn’t see their loutish behaviour that
MUST have been occurring when my back was turned. Lager thugs.
And if I was to really stereotype
all lager drinkers as hooligans, I’d go a step further. Although things are
changing, aside from those that I follow on Twitter, I only know one female
real ale drinker personally. One. Just like disgusting, all-brawn-no-brain,
working class men drink lager, all women obviously drink fruit cider. As we’ve
banned a lot of the drinks the lady’s I do know would drink if they wanted to
join us on this day out, we’ve wilfully excluded a lot of them from partaking. That’ll
teach them for trying to join in.
I was invited to a meeting in
Slaithwaite last year to discuss the Real Ale Trail “issue.” I refused the
invitation on the basis that I couldn’t see a solution to it. How can you stop
people getting on a train to a pub? When I first heard a few months ago that
they were considering stopping serving lager on Saturdays, my initial response
was “They can’t.” How wrong I was.
I suppose the argument will be
that this is called the “Real Ale Trail,” for a reason and should be kept as
so. I’ve certainly had issue with it in the past and failed to see why it has
attracted such national attention. But this solution does nothing but make the
real ale crew look like enormous snobs who truly think they are a different
breed. Don’t people join in social events they have little involvement in, just
for the social side? Haven’t I watched numerous sporting events for that
reason? I’ve certainly been to Old Trafford and the Etihad enough times unnecessarily.
I’ve seen U2 in concert. I saw Sex and the City 2 at the cinema for Christ’s
sake! Should I have been banned because I was there for the day out?
You might be a lager drinker
reading this. You might even be a lager drinker amongst a large group of people
who solely drink real ale and who don’t understand your drink’s preference. You
may be a lager drinker amongst a large group of people who solely drink real
ale who were planning on doing the Trans-pennine Real Ale Trail soon. And now
you can’t go. You probably didn’t know you were a lager lout, a ruffian, a
stain on society. You probably seem like an alright person. But we know what
you really are because we know better than you. Goodbye scum!
Comments
While you may conflate the steps that have been taken with snobbery, some may well take the view that it is an attempt to curb excessive behaviour that was not demonstrated before it became popular as a piss up destination for those whose self control leaves a lot to be desired.
In saying "But this solution does nothing but make the real ale crew look like enormous snobs" you seem to overlook that the publicans and Police have judged that it is those that partake of shots, cider and lager that, like it or not, cause the problems. It is scarcely snobbish or illiberal to use that knowledge to try and eliminate those whose behaviour is worsened by excessive consumption of these products. After all the pubs are losing potential profit, so it can hardly be an easy decision.
Bad behaviour through excess is in nobody who drinks beer's interest. That includes you.
It might have been useful if you'd acknowledged that rather than twist it round to make those who are attempting to sort out public order as the bad guys. Saying that those who drink real ale are doing so is wilfully stupid.